Supporting Autistic People: Obedience Isn’t the Goal

“How come we encourage non-autistic people to think independently, question authority and stand up for themselves, while autistic people are taught that obedience and compliance are things to be encouraged and rewarded?”

— Chris Bonnello

I came across this quote recently and it stopped me in my tracks. It struck me because… it’s true. Painfully true.

Growing up autistic, “good behavior” didn’t mean self-expression or honesty — it meant being quiet, agreeable, and easy to manage. Independence wasn’t encouraged the way it was for my non-autistic peers. They were taught to advocate for themselves. I was taught not to rock the boat.

And over time, that message becomes hard to unlearn.

The Double Standard

We see it all the time: non-autistic people are praised for their assertiveness. They’re encouraged to challenge ideas, question authority, and find their voice. It’s considered strength — leadership potential.

But when an autistic person does the same? It’s often seen as defiance. We’re labeled as “rigid,” “noncompliant,” or “difficult.”

Instead of being supported in developing self-trust and independence, we’re shaped into versions of ourselves that are easier for others to manage. It becomes less about what we need, and more about how well we can fit into what’s expected.

That’s not support — that’s control with a polite name.

The Cost of Always Being “Good”

It’s easy to applaud someone who’s quiet and agreeable. But what does it actually cost them to be that way?

When autistic people are constantly praised for compliance, it teaches us to disconnect from our own instincts. We learn to ignore what we feel, suppress what we need, and perform what others want to see. We become skilled at masking — and exhausted by it.

I know what it’s like to go along with something just to avoid being corrected. To say “I’m fine” when I’m completely overwhelmed. To wonder if my boundaries are too much or my discomfort is somehow a flaw. It’s a quiet kind of burnout that builds over time — and no one notices, because on the outside, we’re doing “well.”

But that version of “well” isn’t living — it’s surviving.

What Real Support Looks Like

Support should never be about how easy someone is to manage. It should be about how safe they feel being themselves.

Real support meets us where we are. It listens instead of correcting. It creates space for self-expression instead of forcing compliance. It recognizes that progress doesn’t always look neat — sometimes it looks like setting a boundary, saying “no,” or walking away from something that doesn’t feel right.

When someone feels supported enough to unmask, to stim, to speak up — that’s growth. That’s success. Not because it looks like what someone else expects, but because it’s real.

Rethinking What We Celebrate

We need to ask why independence is celebrated in some people but discouraged in others. And more importantly — why we keep calling autistic people “difficult” for doing the same things others get praised for.

Instead of rewarding compliance, we should be encouraging clarity, self-awareness, and communication — even when it challenges us.

Being able to say, “This doesn’t work for me,” or “I need something different,” isn’t a disruption. It’s a sign of trust and self-knowledge. And that’s something we should all want to see more of.

The Takeaway

Autistic people don’t need to be more obedient. We’ve already been taught how to stay quiet, how to fit in, how to follow the script. What we need is the freedom to break out of that pattern.

Because real progress isn’t about pleasing everyone around us — it’s about becoming more connected to who we really are.

Let’s stop rewarding people for disappearing.

Let’s start supporting them in showing up fully.